i with you.

run. fall. splash. giggle. hold my hand and i'll take yours, sing your song and i'll sing mine. laugh with me and i with you. catch me before i fall too soon. one day something will take us away, like a postage stamped on a letter, but let's be us until that day.

me?

me? oh i never really knew why, and that's why i never asked.
me? i was too young at the time, my brain was small, but my love was so tall.
me? but i didn't do anything, i-
door slammed, kicked away, never ever wanted. so that's how i stayed for the rest of forever. never ever wanted. a window watcher. when i was kicked outside i watched through the window, faced pressed against, heart reaching in to the glowing warmth.

but i was kicked away, never ever wanted. so that's how i stayed.

my name is kai

My name is Kai, and I am just born. You are looking down at me, smiling and cooing. This is my first minute, first breath, first heart pump. You share it with me. I think you love me.

My name is Kai and I'm 3 years old. Today you took my little, chubby hand in yours and you took me to the sea. You told me about dolphins and waves and I giggled and grinned when you hugged me tighter than spandex shorts.

My name is Kai and I'm 5 years old. Today we went to a big building with real air planes like the ones in books you read to me at night before bed, before I fall into that dream world. 

But you start to cry and I do to, after daddy kisses my head and gets onto one of those planes. You tell me he is a soldier now and he's going to fight to keep people safe. You say he'll be back soon, and not to worry.

My name is Kai and I am 7 years old. Today I rock back and forth with you on the porch swing. You braid my long, brown hair and tell me stories about princesses and castles floating on pink clouds.  Meanwhile my hair weaves together like the memories we share. "tell me a daddy story now!" I suggest, but you sadly shake your head no.

My name is Kai and I'm 10. I want you right now. These girls are so mean. Sneeering and laughing. But not drop it all, milk squirting out of nose, chest hurst, tear splurge laughing. No. More like nasal, stuffy laughs directed at me. Please help me.

My name is Kai and now I'm 12. All the other girls have daddies. Why can't I have one.? He said, correction: you said, he'd come back soon. But that was 7 years ago, and 7 billion tears ago. Sometimes I miss Dad a lot, even though I don't really remember him. So I go and sit by the sea and let all my fears and hurts wash into the waves.

My name is Kai. I'm 14 years old, and I don't have a dad. I will never have a dad again. Because mine died. You cried all day long and so did I. But you cried harder than me, longer than me. Tears slid down your cheek, and every time one did my heart wrenched painfully.

My name is Kai and I'm 16. You came home today happier than I've seen you in a long time. I ask why and you say "I met Jesus. You can too." Now my name is Kai and I have a dad again. He's the best.

My name is Kai and I'm 20 years old. You sit beside me in church and we sing and sing and sing to our dad. I'm so glad you're happy. I'm so glad I'm happy. I finger the hair I braided together and think of all our memories.

My name is Kai and I'm 23 years old. His name is Jeremy. There's no human to walk me down the isle, but I know that Jesus is. Because he love me. You sit in the pew, smiling. Did I ever tell you your smile is as beautiful as a pink and orange Hawaiian sunset melting away? Only I hope your smile never melts away.

I'm Kai and I'm 28 years old.Her name is Meggie and she's 4. We splash in the waves by the sea. I tell her the stories of castles and kings, pink clouds and beautiful princesses with golden locks and dazzling eyes. She hugs me tight. Really tight. We take her kite and hold on to its little handle. It plays in the wind, bobbing up and down. Soon the sun starts setting making a big, beautiful Hawaiian sunset. A pinky orange sunset.

She frowns when I say it is time to go. But she smiles big, a sunset smile like yours, when I tell her we're going to visit you.

what love?

the girl dashes through the golden field, her hair blending in with the fair coloured wheat. the hair trails behind her in a big flow, like water spilling all over in a massive wave. this wave is golden and tangly, but beautiful despite the knots intertwined. it twirls and curls, dancing in the sun like the the girl herself does. she reaches her small hands towards the sun, and it bounces back in return, filling her whole body with an exhilarating warmth. smiling and singing she begins to skip again, her bare-feet crunching on some of the dead, dry grass. but she isn't like the grass, no she is alive more than ever. the air clings to her giggles, they're so sweet nobody ever wants them to leave. same with the girl. nobody ever wants her to leave.

but so often she does, because she knows she has to be alone. she doesn't know why they don't want her to leave. it has to be love. but why? what kind of love? fear love? the kind of love that holds things close for fear of losing them. 

close love? the love that makes everyone one around you want to hold you dear.

or just love love? the kind of love that surpasses all others. the kind that spills out of your heart and travels into others. it connects hearts and keeps the world together. but the girl doesn't know what kind of love. so she dances in the field, letting her love out, singing to the only one she love loves. she reaches her hands to him, the one who saved her. 

clasped away

clasped away. her hands are always clasped away. behind her back. clinging to one another.

she's hiding behind her hands, spread out across her face. the haunting images are still prowling around, so she hides behind her hands. does she not know that my hands are the only ones who save? doesn't she know my hands were pierced for her? take my hands. they will save you. unclench, unshield, and take my hand.

too often

so many times i just wanna write, but i don't feel like actually thinking. i look up story plots online. dumb. no. it has to come from the heart. my heart. 
all our hearts are pouring out with things to say, feel, think. i need to gush it out on paper, or a screen i guess.
so there. that's my heart today.

lacey white

I said "stop please".

but they didn't. The blows to the flesh continue and the cuts to the heart go on. I don't know why they do it to me. Me, just Lacey White, me. Frail, tiny, ghostly white, me. I never did anything to them...

But you'll save me, won't you?

I can't understand why I'm locked here all alone like a helpless bird without any wings. The hardest thing about being a wingless bird is no matter where you are, you're trapped.You need somebody to carry you. So why aren't you carrying me out of here? Out of this dark, putrid gloom. 

I am afraid, afraid for me. Will I always be Lacey White or will the darkness of this place press me into a cold, dark being? Save me, or I will never be Lacey White again. Would you miss me? Would you want Lacey White back again? 

They say they'll set me free one day, but I know it's not true. They're never true. They have black filthy hearts. You are the only one who can save me. So why don't you?